Abridged excerpts from

 “Dawn of the Broken Heart, Volume One”

~~~

Introduction

​

My life has been very sad

                        and filled with laughter,

 

my life has been extraordinary

and tragic

​

I swam furiously through dark waters

 

Leaving the past behind is getting

                                        closer and closer,

​

a new life is beginning

~~~

~~~

​

Part One

~~~

 “I carry an abandoned child inside me.

 

If I could ask for a miracle,

I would ask that

my abandoned little child

come to know that she is loved.”

~~~

a fog of aloneness,

not understanding anything,

 

such is the world

of abandoned little children

who lack a loving mirror reflecting them back

~~~

abandoned little children

do not know they exist

~~~

The Raccoon Story​

​

Jay: the raccoon touched my heart

​

God: what touched you, Jay?

​

Jay: his warmth

                        his sadness

                                                his beauty

                                                                        his dying

and taking him into my heart

 

God: you took yourself into your heart

​

~~~

~~~

​

Part Two

~~~​

 by age eighteen

I had no identity

 

no goals

 

no regular meals,

 

no income

~~~

~~~

​

I had lost the competition

to go to France

 

but being The Master’s Daughter

I was expected to win

~~~

“She is the shame of the family,”

my father said

~~~

At that point,

​

my already broken heart

                                    closed down one more time,

 

it was time

to prepare for my trip

to the United States of America

​

~~~

~~~

​

Part Three

1979

​

shipped away

 

separated from everyone

                                                I love

not knowing where

                        I’m going

~~~

Fall of 1979

 

And soon enough school started

 

The loneliness, the silence of those years

were excruciating

 

the phone rarely rang

 

and when it did

I was only able to articulate

the simplest of thoughts

~~~

​

Boston, November 13, 1981

​

Dear Sis,

          This morning, waiting for the elevator, I noticed I was holding a green sock in my hand.

 

God: a green sock?!

 

Jay: yeah

 

God: was it St. Patrick’s Day?

 

Jay: oh shush

~~~

​

eternity 2007

​​

God?

 

yes?

 

Jay: my mind goes blank,

my mind goes blank

​

God: these memories take you

to the deepest wounds, Jay

 

Jay: the wound of abandonment

 

God: right into the void

 

and your young mind

                        kept being hit by trauma

 

no wonder your mind goes blank, little one

~~~

~~~

​

Part Four

​

Alone in this country,

 

starved for protection,

 

good pastors took me under their wing

​

Little did I know

then

how vulnerable I was

​

Little did I know then

about the power pastors have,

​

the power

to

heal

​

and the power

to

kill

​

~~~

~~~

​

my need for nurturing was

so desperate

 

I’d attach myself to anyone

that offered me a bit of kindness

~~~

Boxford 2008

With my therapist

 

“Looking back at the years

when we worked together,

 

 you’d stumble in, staggering,

you were in the deepest, deepest fog,

 

you’d be almost in a coma,

​

you had years of that,”

she said.

~~~

I lived years of my life

almost in a coma

​

~~~

~~~

​

exhilarated

at

being who I am!

 

flooded

by

positive feelings

about myself!

​

God!  God!

 

Jay! Jay! what’s the matter!

​

Jay: this is weird!

this is really weird!

 

God: what is it, baby?

 

Jay: I feel good about myself!

I feel good about myself!

...